Struggles..

Haven't been posting lately, guess I'll post what I've been feeling these past few weeks through a song that's been pretty much on repeat, AJ Rafael - MidKnight

There's this place it's called home
but for me I don't know where to go

Dreaming...

I don't know what I'm supposed to be
or who I am, I feel so damn lost in the cold...

There's this thing called the heart
well.. mine beats in the rhythm of the dark
I can't find what my purpose is, or who I am

I feel so damn lost in this world...

<Chorus>
Saving the world's not enough
maybe if I knew a little more about love
than I could finally find who I am
and then you'll agree--
there's more to me than what you see...

I can't think anymore
all my thoughts are all scattered on this floor
I'm blinded by all the city lights and hopeless dreams
reality escapes from my soul...

and I know that there's someone above
watching and giving me the power to love
but I'm distracted by corruption and the ignorance
this world is killing me--
there's more to me than what you see...

Saving the world's not enough.. maybe if I knew a little more about love than I could finally find who I am and then you'll agree-- there's more to me than what you see...

Reflection Eternal...

I just keep stressin' and thinkin' of all this random shyt, one of those days where I just snap and wanna throw a fit I don't know... I'm thinkin' money? maybe it's just me? maybe it's also the well-being of my family?  

I can't explain about this stress and anger, maybe it's cuz of school and completing my major?

Damn, I don't understand myself...

I know constantly feelin' like this is destroyin my health, but it's hard to stop, take a breather and breath when  

so much weight is on your shoulders then you know what I mean, you've seen what I've seen, you've been to everywhere that I've been feels like you're always runnin' solo, never makin the team but fuck it...

 

What am I sayin'...

From what I speak I sound weak I gotta get back on my feet and stop playin, look here readers, you can tell me many different times, but it won't matter cuz it all becomes the same line...

"Don't worry" "It's okay" "It's all good"...

Only works if I say it would be and it should be good. In a sense, maybe it's nothin at all, maybe this big thing is actually something pretty small and I should actually think about what I've gone through life and how I even got through all of my troubles and strife, time to forget all the bad and let the good sink in, and now something else is on my mind, I just can't stop thinkin that...

I'm Okay...=/ I Don't Know...>.< I Don't Care....>.> Just Kidding...! xP

11:11 Make a Wish...
As I'm laying here looking up at the sky, with my mind full with fear having to make the decision of having to stay or disappear I don't know what to do, don't know what to say I never thought my feelings would come to this day, no matter how many times I leave it behind, this thought will always be in the back of my mind, I don't know what to do, I'm stuck on the path were the roads splits in two... There are moments  that I want to go back rewind to the past, take it slow and steady cause times going too fast I want to make it last cause today is worth two tomorrows... My one and only last wish... Forever You or Forever Gone...

This is for you...

~I know you're thinkin you will never meet the one

But I could be the one to help you find some fun
To make you smile during this time of stress
And try to make you feel like you are nothing less
~The way he treated you before and forgot you in the end
Always will I be there with a helpin' hand
Know that you can trust again
So never say never when you know you can sweetie
~I know it's hard when you've been mistreated
I know it's tough when you're feelin' defeated
No way to go on with you're energy depleted
but remember I will be there whenever I'm needed
~So never think that I'll treat you wrong
Like the man you seek who really thinks he's strong
But no strong man should treat the one he loves
None other than a beautiful angel from above...

Dedication From My Heart...

There's always a little truth behind every "Just kidding".  A little knowledge behind every "I don't know". A little emotion behind every "I don't care". And a little pain behind every "I'm okay"...

What if...

Guess I’ll start off my first post with my everlasting thought, that’s always in the back of my mind, of “What if…” Every situation, every person, everything I encounter with the thought comes up “What if…” The past, the present, the future, is a constant “what if…” I conclude that my life revolves around this thought.

I look at myself in the morning every day and wonder what it would be like if I was a different person living a different life. Would I enjoy it more than the life I have now? Honest truth, I don’t know. The life I did have was growing up in poverty, moving from house to house, living on what we had and making the best out of it. Life was difficult of sadness and sorrow. I feel like it has got somewhat better, but it is still the same. There are events that have changed my life, and that I will never forget, but always I wonder what life would have been like if these situations had changed…

The death of the one and only person that gave me life… my Mom. At the age of three I had no idea what was going on… I did not understand why Mom was not responding to my calls, as I was screaming, “MOM MOM..!” she laid there with her eyes close, as if she was sleeping, did not respond… Confused as a three year old I never understood till later in age. Sadness and sorrow… little brother was only 6 months as she gone to a better place, day and night, a three year old, me,  had to take care of him. Basically at the age of 3… I was already an adult. Dad working day and night with his 2 jobs… No childhood growing up, with sweat and tears I had to do what I could, I had to be the hero for my little brother. That’s right I said hero and not superhero, because I don’t believe I am a superhero… Today present time I wish for her to be here with me but I know I can’t ask for something I can’t have physically, but I do wonder what if she was here today… would I turn out to be the person I am today… would things turn out the way it would… what if…

I’m not perfect, I’m not average, I’m surviving, barely making it day by day, living for the better of tomorrow is what I think and try to make happen. I’m no superman, I’m not super… I’m not a hero… I’m just me… but one day… what if I were…